Critiques
Here are some of the critiques I’ve gotten, both good and bad…I’m not posting the grammar nitpicks and such, just the overall opinions. :) Some comments about typos, etc, have been cut out to preserve space.
On my writing in general:“You have a real talent for witty description, whether it’s an overbearing teacher or the mutual support system between two high school friends. You clearly have talent, and I wish you luck in your future writing endeavors.”
On Understanding Love:
“I finished the whole thing today instead of working, and I cried several times. I also laughed my ass off. It was so good! I’ve never seen anyone short of Maya Angelou tackle autobiography so effectively. I am so impressed.”
On Daddy’s Whispers:
“In general, I thought the story was pretty touching and played on the emotional strings some. However, I thought some parts felt a tad dragged out, and I’ll have to admit that some parts actually did seem a little redundant. That’s all I can say, because overall, I liked this piece.”
“All in all you’ve got some very powerful emotions throughout your story. It has a lot of power and you handle it very well. There area few spots where you seem to be repeating yourself, but on the whole this feels good. The situation and emotions are very real and you do a very good job at making the reader empathize with your character.”
“This was really a great piece, for two main reasons in my view: style, and emotion. For style, it was very well written overall. The technique you use of sentence emphasis with the paragraphs works very well for this sort of thing. The descriptions were very well done, the point of view perfectly suited for the story, ect. Great opening line, great introduction overall. For emotion, WOW. One of the things I love most in any sort of creative expression is powerful emotion, which this most certainly had plenty of. You could see straight into the characters’ heads and hearts, and everything you wrote was extremely strong, but not overdone– you could tell that this is the sort of thing that people really go through when they lose someone. Great work with realism and believability.”
“I was very curious to learn more about the main character’s interactions with her mother and how she dealt with her mom’s denial of her father’s death. The opening sentence drew me into the story, as did the title. The plot twist at the end– where Lissa’s mother comes home to find her cleaning– really surprised me, and I think it was a nice climax. I also thought the conclusion fit the story well– it brought some closure but also reminded the reader that Lissa and her mother still have a lot of stuff they need to work out.”
“All in all, this was very well written. I wish there was more I could comment on, but I found few flaws. Perhaps next time you shouldn’t make it so perfect the first time around so that I actually have a chance of finiding something constructive to say.”
On Deterioration Point:
“For most of the story, I thought it was really well written and good, but however, I did think that you added a little too many words for some of it… That’s really just my opinion, but sometimes in the middle, I felt like it dragged somewhat. If you cut some parts out, I think it wouldn’t happen like that, so basically, I’m saying I think you should use the less is more principle slightly. I guess I’m just saying that for some of it I felt like it was just a tad melodramatic, and you could skim some stuff off to make it better.”
“Another excellently written story! All the same props to you as before: great style, great emotion, great into (the thing with describing this magnificent relationship, then all of a sudden it’s “He was also dead.” is simply brilliant.”
“By the end of the story I was very much wrapped up in it and emotionally affected in the appropriate places. You write the strong emotion well and your writing ultimately left me engaged and moved.
On Loss of Innocence:
“Glad Shyla got what she wanted and that they are in Heaven – I was holding my breath to see if she ended up in Hell or somewhere unexpected. Am pessimistic like that ;) Clean, linear little fic.”
“This is great, Lori. I felt so sorry for Shyla, having lost the one she loved the most, though I had a hard time emphasizing with her anger at Kyle, as he’d died in an accident. The ending was very good, quite well-done. :)”
“Hauntingly touching..I loved this story.”
“A story full of sorrow and love; haunting and sad. Nicely written.”
“Sad little tale – although some happiness at the end – for her. Nice.”
“Ooh, I loved this. :D Very, very nice. I especially liked the “it’s more fun to take all before dawn” line.”
“I loved this set of lines: “And you’re sure she’s dead?” “Oh, positive. I see dead people all the time. I reckon it’s my job.” “Sir, I’d appreciate your cooperation in this matter.” That was … heartwrenching.”
“I really loved it, I’m glad the two of them ended up together in the end :) I’m a sucker for happy endings *grins*”
“This is a great first story.”
On Of Hummingbirds and Gluttony:
“It’s a subject very close to my heart and I think you’ve caught the inner monologues of someone with this disorder extremely well. Congratulations!”
“Wow. This is extremely powerful. You did a great job.”
“Intense, disturbing, and completely realistic. I also think that you used the “hummingbird” very well.”
“Holy sh*t that was powerful. I guessed she was bulimic from the start, but you wrote it very powerfully.”
On Twisted Warfare:
“I love where you went with the twisted warefare prompt! I never even thought of taking it someplace like that :) Way to go :)”
“”Disturbed” is right :D I think Cassie will die before John, somehow o_O V interesting take on the prompt!”
“Wonderful take on the prompt! wow! Although I was really hoping she would realize she was being manipulated. Sociopaths are good at that — something I think she would have known. But sometimes love blinds you pretty badly. I don’t think she’ll be around long after John gets out.”
“It’s awesome to read this and see how differently someone else’s take on the prompt turned out. I, too, would have never have thought to go here. I really like how you set up the entire situation with background in such a short piece. Fun!”
“Excellently written, but incredibly disturbing. Nice work!”
“Eeek! – Creepy, but in a good way. This was a very compelling story that kept my interest throughout, and I love the final line!”
“Oooh, that was chilling. I grew more and more disturbed as it progressed. The Hannibal Lecter/Ted Bundy overtones really got to me, and the idea that even someone who studies the mind could be manipulated this way.”
On Promises in Blood:
I don’t understand all of the breaks in the work, because I thought a lot of it was in the same night. If it wasn’t, then maybe you could say that or something, because I thought most of it could’ve flowed pretty smoothly into each other, but now that I’m looking it over… I think that maybe they were separate nights. I had to think about that and look over it, so I think you should consider trying to figure out a way to say that each scenario happened on a different night. The ending I think could have been a little longer or improved somewhat. It feels weaker than the beginning but good just not as mind warping as the beginning. Other than all of this, AWESOME story. I thought it was really good. It was nearly beautiful in a strange and twisted way how her mind worked as if she was in her own world. I LOVED that. It really was a great read, and I really liked how the beginning just sucked you into it. Really nice job on this one.
Normally I’m not in for reading stuff about self mutilation and whatnot, but this was very well written and held my attention -plus, I love stories where the characters don’t have names. Good luck with whatever you plan to do with this piece.
GORE AND MASOCHISM! ALL RIGHT! Needless to say, if it’s bloody, I’ll love it. If it’s twisted, I’ll love it. And if people are slicing and dicing themselves by some demented logic of beauty, I’ll reeeally love it. I didn’t notice too many grammatical type nitpicks, so I’ll assume that anything I did notice was covered by others. ‘Any rate, this was THOROUGHLY AWESOME! Really vague and mysterious, which works well for this story and yanks you right into it. Interesting mind set for the main character, her ideas regarding beauty. I also thought it was unique how her suicidal issues didn’t come from misery, that she simmply wanted to die… Overall, great work on this! Excellent bloody descriptions, strange patterns of thought, and a good view into the mind of someone who can do those kinds of things to themself. Best of luck getting it published!
Good story. The plot is not new, but I think some of your approaches are fairly unique and rather refreshing.
On Everytime:
That is rather creepy. excellent, very good *grins* I Definitly don’t want to live in that house. *shiver* Wonderful story
Well, that one was certainly creepy, but very good.
Wow, powerful story; thanks for telling it.
What a horrible creepy good story
Good style, good dialogue and GOOD conclusion. I’ll just go and shiver over in the corner with the rest of your readers :D
That was AWESOME. I love it – especially the end. Lexi’s hand in Sam’s was a good touch. Great job!
On Soulless Angels:
Oh. My. Wow. Damn. This … rocks. Wow. I love the imagery, the way you’ve played games with the whole heaven/hell ideology. This is … beautiful and dark and gothic and … wow. Just … wow.
Wow. That is sweet! Totally awesome *grins* You *MUST* submit this someplace!!!!
What an excellent story. Stunningly beautiful. They were stained from the days of having them carved out of her. Gorgeous line.
Wow, again! That was wonderful. I loved the imagery, and the twist of emotions. :) You HAVE to submit this somewhere!
This is so accomplished! *jealous* :D
This is cool. You’ve made me think in ways I haven’t ever considered.
Like in the Tibetan Book of the Dead—some people see demons coming to rip away their flesh; others see angels come to liberate them from their attachments so they can move on. This was very hard to read, because I pictured the first image most of the way through—only seeing the second toward the end. Difficult to read, but well worth it. Definitely makes one question the ideas of heaven/hell/torment/liberation. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. PLEASE submit this somewhere. It’s wonderful.
Wow! A very vivid and lucid take on hell/heaven. Good job! Agree with the others, get it out to someone!
Beautiful lyrical writing here. And I agree with the others – submit it now!
