World of Make Believe

So, I am back in Alabama. It feels very, very surreal. Not being home…I actually don't mind being home for once. My biggest problem with being home is feeling trapped because I can't drive anywhere, and am stuck at home unless picked up (which makes me feel like a child). Nothing personal against my mother or anyone else, it's just driving me absofuckinglutely crazy.

My mother and I actually are getting along. We have a mother-daughter project we're going to start working on– a scrapbook of my college life thus far. I am (shockingly) REALLY excited to do this. My mom used to scrapbook all the time, and I know she really enjoys it, and I do too. I have a bunch of stuff saved from my freshman year and this year, and earlier today ordered prints of about 47 digital pictures I have of my freshman and sophomore years. 

I was standing outside the car today, about to get in, after I'd finished loading all my stuff into the car. It hit me that next year, I will be a Junior, and after my Junior year…I'll be a Senior, and then I'll graduate. It feels surreal. I just started my Sophomore year not that long ago. And it's gone. It's over. I want it back.

I'm not sure what the point of this is. I just freaked out earlier, and everyone's asking me how it feels to be going into my Junior year, how it feels to have two years of college under my belt. How am I supposed to answer that? I know logically, I should be excited and thrilled and happy to move on. Instead, I am absolutely terrified. And I don't even know why I'm terrified. I'm almost completely done with my Women's Studies degree, and I'm getting certified in Early Childhood Education. I have plans for my future, I know (essentially) that I'll have a job, that I'll be perfectly self-supporting. I know where I stand, I know where I'm going, but it just feels like it's moving so very, very fast.

So. It seems that things have a way of coming full-circle. Self-fulfilling prophecies, guys, will come around and bite you in the ass.

I’m a bitch. I can be a bitch, anyway. First and foremost, though, I’m upfront with people about things. For once, I’m going to cross-post to my different blogs. My myspace blog to my online personal journal that only a few people have access to. And suddenly, I’m glad I have my privacy. I’m not ashamed to say some less-than-enjoyable adjectives to people right now.

You have to take responsibility for once in your fucking life! Stop dumping this on everyone else. I’m not exactly home at the moment– well, I am home, Atlanta is my home now– I’m not in Alabama. Every single bit of contact is because something dramatic is happening, and then you write this passive-aggressive blog about how you try and try and nothing comes of it. Here’s a newsflash, and read it loud and clear sweetheart. I have told you repeatedly that I’m not dealing with your drama if that’s the only reason you ever contact me, I meant it. You whine about losing everyone, you are pushing them away. With your stupid little “losing them” comments and bullshit. I wasn’t aware that you and I had any problems recently, but clearly we do since both of your sisters don’t want to be in your wedding and you’re losing them. Yes, you ARE. But you know what? It’s not everyone else’s faults.

Deal with it, grow up, and cut it out already.

Your little self-fulfilling prophecies about how you’re losing your family and no one wants to be in your wedding? How appropriate. How truly, truly accurate. Because when you drive anyone crazy enough, they’re leaving and eventually they won’t come back. You’re older, that doesn’t mean wiser or smarter. You try so damn hard to be this older sister, but if something doesn’t go your way you accuse everyone else, you judge people you have no right to judge, and then whine about everyone abandoning you and judging you. Grow up!

I told you you’d only contact me when some drama was going on or you were pissed. I was so, so right. Only this wasn’t some damn self-fulfilling prophecy, because I can’t force you to contact me. Frankly, I don’t want to. I’m not going to force anyone to contact me. And I sure as hell won’t be reaching out to anyone who does that to me.

See, kids, self-fulfilling prophecies! Break a fortune cookie in half and read it, the message on there is a LOT more inspiring than these mind games will ever be.

The end of my second year is nearing, so…I'll just reminisce about the first year now and do the second year this summer.

• School: Agnes Scott College
  
• Where did you live? Winship Hall; room 327
  
• Who was your roommate? Adrienne for the first semester; had a single room second semester
• Do you still talk to them? Not really, she's nice enough, but we have nothing in common except our graduating year.
• Ever get in trouble in the dorms? Haha, yes. 3rd floor Winship was legendary. I think the first time we got into trouble was for playing field hockey in the hall.
• Something you remember about when you first lived on campus? Never forget the field hockey! I was also adopted by the second floor, 'cause I stayed down there all the time. My friend Gretchen and I used to always order food at 3AM and either watch movies or study, depending on our mood. Aside from that, I can easily remember this one incident where someone got in trouble for performing oral sex in the hallway on someone else's boyfriend or something.
• Your campus phone number or other number? My campus phone number… 404-471-6472. I think. They change every year.
  
• Favorite place to go out to eat? Thai noodle bowl; delivery-wise, it was Wing King.
  
• Did you go to the library? Not often.
  
• What was your favorite floor you'd always be on? Umm…the patio-type thing.
  
• Club/Athletics/Frats/Sororities, you joined? Haha, 2nd floor Winship (myself included) made up a sorority. We were all going to our first party over at Georgia Tech, and none of us wanted to admit we were first years. So we invented this sorority, Delta Pi Kappa, and told everyone at Georgia Tech we were members of that sorority. It became vastly well known across Georgia Tech and legendary at Agnes Scott. We had photos, etc, of all our outings and whatnot; during this pottery-thing where we made mugs and plates and whatnot, we all made DPK mugs. In terms of "real" clubs, I was a member of the Agnes Scott College Dance Team, Common Ground, Aurora (the creative writing magazine), and I'm pretty sure that's it.
• Where did you buy your books? I didn't, mostly. I did buy a few books at the Agnes Scott College bookstore, but my aunt and uncle took care of my books spring semester. (My aunt works at the University of Mississippi and my uncle is an economics professor there, so they were free for me with their funds.)
• What classes did you take? Fall semester, I bypassed Spanish 101. I ended up taking First Year Seminar 190G (Pirates, Privateers, and Smugglers), English 110 (The Craft of Writing), and Psychology 121 (General Psychology). Spring semester, I took Religion 275 (Religion and Morality), Spanish 102 (Elementary Spanish II), Theater 108 (Voice and Diction), Women's Studies 100 (Introduction to Women's Studies), Dance 211 (Intermediate Ballet), Dance 213 (Intermediate Jazz Dance), and Dance 312 (Advanced Modern Dance)
• Did you declare a major or concentration? I did.
• What was it? I originally came to Agnes Scott for the creative writing program; but after I took Introduction to Women's Studies, I declared a Women's Studies major. (Within the first two weeks of that class, actually.)
• Ever attend a sporting event? All the home basketball games, and one volleyball game. The volleyball game was a requirement of being a first year, and the basketball games because the dance team performed at them.
• Ever attend a concert or comedic performance? Um…I attended Studio Dance Theater's spring concert; working backstage.
• How was homecoming? We don't have a "technical" homecoming. We have Black Cat, which is a week of class competition and insane decorations. I was so taken aback my first year! We decorated the quad, we hijacked the alum. fountain, and stole blue boxers from Georgia Tech. Our class color is blue, and our mascot was the Luna Moon Goddesses. We dressed up in costumes, wore blue all week long, and tried to keep our mascot a secret from the sophomore class, like they do every year, and they found us out, like they do every year. The dance at the end of the week was amazing, and nothing beats being surrounded by the topless seniors (girls) streaking across the campus. We had a lot of cheers, but most prevalent was "G-E-T-N-A-K-E-D GET NAKED!" Black cat rocks! ♥ (Especially since our class kicked ass and won many of the competition and came in second overall!)
• Have you ever spent the night on campus not in your dorm hall? Nah, but I spent many nights at Georgia Tech or at Josh's apartment. (Josh was my romantic interest from before college well into my freshman year.)
  
• Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go? Thursday and Friday nights, we went to Georgia Tech.
  
• Where did you get coffee? Starbucks!
• Did you ever have a job at school? Yeah, I worked in Human Resources for my federal work-study.
  
• What did you hate about your college? I was so enthralled with my school my first year. I think the main thing was the waiting lists for classes, and they weren't all that bad.
• What did you love most about it? Everything, mostly. The classes, the campus was beautiful, the fact that it's so close to Atlanta, the food…yep!
• Ever leave to go on a road trip, where? Road trips to Alabama. Josh and I would take road trips to go up to Cheaha Mountain in Alabama, where we had our first date. Or we would simply go driving, anywhere, and it didn't matter where we ended up.
  
• Where would you believe is the best location to live in? On campus? I dunno. It never really mattered to me where I lived. All our dorm rooms were huge anyway, much bigger than most other colleges.
• Oddest thing that happened to you? Getting stopped by the police! Gretchen and I went to Taco Mac (a sports bar/grill) to watch the world series. On the way home, after it was over, we got stopped by the cops. They thought we were buying drugs! They ended up running our licenses and I showed them the receipt from the restaurant.
• What was the craziest thing you did? Craziest or stupidest? Either way, it's debateable. I would say the stupidest thing I did is accidentally (honestly, accidentally) is drinking a cup of hydrogen peroxide. I ended up in a hospital, and then into a mental institution where the nurses hid me in their office away from the crazy patients and helped me get out of there. (Ended up having to call a lawyer and social worker both.) Came out of the mental hospital with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, though, and had to go into counseling for a bit. It was awful, but…over with, now. ;)
• Graduated or still attending? Still attending.
• Will you go back? After I graduate, I'll come back and visit, yeah.

Fun times. Hooo, boy, the memories. And enough procrastinating for now… ;)

I do indeed have a type of seizure disorder. My MRI ruled out the likes of a brain tumor, aneursym (sp?), et cetera. (Which my doctor forgot to tell me until he was walking down the hall and I was going to check out! LOL)

What they do know right now is this, or at least what I gathered through the medical mumbo-jumbo of two doctors. My brain wave/brain activity scans (all of them) all showed contining seizure activity. Almost constant seizure activity. (I got to see scans of it, which was wicked awesome.) Basically, I've been having seizures when I didn't even know I was having seizures. All the time, all day long.

No one in Alabama picked up on it because I went to the doctor/hospital when I had a seizure, but I'd never stayed long enough for extended observation or anything. So when they'd do my scans, it'd show seizure activity because I would have just had a grand mal seizure.

Anyway, I'm going on a tangent. It didn't matter what they did with the tests– simply monitoring, flashing lights, hearing sounds, sitting in darkness; there was always ongoing activity. Not grand mal seizures, and nothing that I was aware of, because it was short, fast, and then would happen again, short; fast, over with. Am I making any sense?

So, yeah. The doctor said that he wants to double my dosage of Lamictal, and take 200mg in the morning and 200mg twelve hours later; because Lamictal is a half-a-day drug. (This also explains why all my grand mal seizures were in the day/afternoon and never in the early morning or late at night– I take Lamictal at night, and when I'd been awake for a few hours, it would wear off.) And I have to see him again in a month to run more tests and see how the new dosage is working.

Also, this explains my complete, often sudden memory loss and trouble with words at random moments– all seizures. There are several parts of my memory that have probably been completely destroyed, but I am so happy with this, that I don't really care. It's nothing I'll ever really miss– I have a hard time remember years past as a whole, but I won't forget who I am anymore! I won't forget my age, I won't forget where I am, I don't have to be scared and freak out over suddenly forgetting everything! So I can deal with a blurred memory of the past several years, easily. I will be able to remember my age! My name!

I have never been more in love with a hospital department as I am now. I am so relieved. I started bawling earlier…I'm just really, really glad to know what's going on.