money grubbing for dirt
So freaking tired.
I just found out today my mother made $19,000-ish dollars last year. I had to fill out the financial aid and it requires different parental education. My school cost $32k a year. I should feel grateful I’m going to such a good, prestigious school.
Instead, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to be the one to not live in poverty. And I feel horrendously guilty.
The estimated family contribution for my education next year? $40. That’s all. Forty dollars. I. feel. poor. I feel guilty. I should be happy it’s so low, that means more aid, more grants. But I feel so, so guilty.
Because I don’t want to be supporting three people on less than twenty thousand a year. I know I don’t. I want better. And I feel guilty for wanting better, because she has managed, somehow, to do so much with so little. I’m so grateful to her. I don’t know, now, how I have gotten everything she’s given me. Not realizing how much money we’ve lived off of my whole life. I had everything I ever needed, and a lot of what I wanted.
How did she do that? I don’t know. But I…wasn’t an inexpensive person. I know that. I didn’t get everything I ever wanted, but I came damn close to it. I don’t know how I came so close to having everything I wanted. I don’t know how she did it. I still don’t. She doesn’t think I’m grateful (she doesn’t think I notice this stuff), but I am. And it hit me today. I feel guilty for all the “extras” I got and I feel guilty for wanting more. I’m probably not even describing this accurately. I’m torn. I feel like because I want more, I want to earn more money in my life, like I’m being selfish. Selfish and ungrateful. Which is what I think my mother thinks of me, is that I am selfish and ungrateful. I’m not. I just…can’t talk to her about stuff like this.
I want more, and I feel guilty for that. I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid. Desperate to get out of the ocean of not having money and into the sun, into money, whatever kind of analogy you want to insert here. I remember the day I got a job at Long John Silver’s, my high school employer. My mother told me I wasn’t working during school. I told her I was, I wanted spending money. Now I kind of wish I had given some of it to her. That the money I earn working in college now, which isn’t much, I could give to her. But I get my own books, I need this, I need that. I know that logically, I really do have to have these things. But I feel so selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
In one sentence…This freaking sucks.
indecisive decisiveness
I really should have started working on the paper today, but I didn't. I slept until 1:30-ish (PM) today, and woke up from a nightmare determined to get out of my room. So I went to a dance performance at Emory. It was good. Some of it wasn't really my style, but that's neither here nor there.
Nightmares aside, it's been a pretty decent day. I feel off, but that's nothing unusual. I really should have worked on that paper. I'm kind of kicking my ass for it, but at the same time, I'm not terribly worried about it.
Still, a bit of sadness is left over from yesterday. I still feel like there's way too much stuff left out of my control. I don't like having things left out of my control. I need concrete answers. Decisions. I have this feeling of being trapped. I don't like being trapped. Decisions.
I have no idea if I spelled the title right. Right now…I am too tired, too exhausted to really care. I'm happy right now, very happy, but I'm still tired. And I still want decisions.
Monday I write the check for $250 dollars for my trip to India. I have been hit by overwhelming nervousness. Over flying over the ocean. I'm not nervous about what I'll do when I get there (clearly) but over flying over the ocean. I love flying. Just…I'm nervous about it now, I suppose. Whatever.
the most basic of feelings
Some would contend that at their most basic, feelings can be divided into two major categories: happiness, and sadness. Of these, people are inclined to say that happiness is the dominant emotion. That most of the time, when we are not feeling extreme emotion, we are content. Satisfied with the way things are. Or, they carefully place "apathetic" in happiness, instead of opposite any feeling (the way it should be), because they don't believe that apathy is entirely possible. Or possible at all. And then, when you just don't care how things are going, you are apathetic, and thereby "happy."
I disagree. I think the dominant emotion is sadness. Of course I do. I expect any responses to this to be, "You're too pessimistic." Right now, they're probably right. But as a whole, I still tend to think that sadness is the dominant emotion. Hell, we come into this world bawling our eyes out.
And frankly, that doesn't really change.
Yes, I am being pessimistic right now. I'm sad. I want to be loved right now, I want to be hugged, I want to be kissed, and I want to be cuddled. I want someone to cheer me up right now. I want to have to stop spell-checking my every entry, anywhere, everywhere. I want to cry, I want someone to make me smile. I'm just depressed. Sad. And the eating disorder I thought I was overcoming reared its ugly head tonight. In a big, big way.
Anyway. This is so damn emo and depressing. And that's been my day today. Now, to sleep it off and hope for better tomorrow.
the spiral notebooks introduction
Spiral notebooks is the latest work in progress by…me. Woo-hoo. Actually, it's more of an interactive project, and I'm not going to link here until I get more submissions for it, and whatnot.
There's so much to do now. And I, I am just so freaking exhausted.
In other news, I will be kicking the lovely Morphine's ass for getting me addicted to Kingdom of Loathing. (www.kingdomofloathing.com). So, if she stops updating her blog (which we all know she needs to do more of), it is because I have kicked her ass. Oh, and I am a Sauceror by the name of Crystallia over there.
the namesake
Just because I have nothing I want to say right now.
World of Make Believe
Within Temptation
On golden wings
She flies at night
With her dress
It's blinding white
Countless diamonds
And her long blonde hair
The queen is coming
So you better be aware
Her plums and flowers
They're never the same
Blue and silver
It's all her game
Flying dragons
And enchanted woods
She decides, she creates
It's her reality
[REF:] In her world of dreams and make believe
She reigns forever
With all her glory
Unicorns appear in her sight
The fireflies lead her trough these woods at night
In search of the legendary amulet
And it's secret
In the big oak there is a door
Which will lead her
To the wizard shore
And she'll ask him
For the wind to sail her home
To the world where she belongs
[REF:] In her world of dreams and make believe
She reigns forever
With all her glory
In this world of endless fantasy
She makes it happen
It's her reality
[REF:] In her world of dreams and make believe
She reigns forever
With all her glory
In this world of endless fantasy
She makes it happen
It's her reality
exhaustion, fatigue, and other synonyms
- Presentation in Women's Health: 10 minutes in length/5 minutes left over for questions.
- Paper for Women's Health: Approximately 7-10 pages in length.
- Hours to make up at internship site: 59 hours. Length of time to do it in: anywhere from now until May 2nd or May 10th. Not entirely sure which one it is.
- Type up 1 page essay for Global Connections to India for this year; by May 3rd.
- Get a passport. (Soon)
- Get a visa application. (Over the summer)
- Pack up dorm room, start moving things back to Alabama.
- Women's Health Final Exam
- Finite Math Final Exam
- Speak to the people at Financial Aid.
- Pay off $100 to college by May 10th.
- Pay $250 to Global Connections by May 3rd.
- Sleep, eat, die. Of exhaustion.
- Response paper for dance.
- Attend a dance performance at Emory. Write ANOTHER paper for dance.
- Write response paper using autoethnography for Women/Leadership/Social Change Seminar.
- Group project/paper (15 pages?) for Women/Leadership/Social Change Seminar.
I'm forgetting many things. I know. But this is the basic. And right now, basic is all I can hang on to.
black eyes and heavy concealor
Okay, before any of y'all freak out, I don't mean physical-abuse type black eyes. I mean dark, dark grey eyeshadow, thick liquid eyeliner, heavy mascara. Blush that rivals that of a porcelain doll's. Dark, dark brown lipstick mixed with pure, bright red lipstic, making a rather lovely shade of color perfect for a fabulous night out, as long as you tone down everything else.
This has been my face for the past three days. Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. Today.
But it went well. I'm pretty tired, and I have shin splints (that stage didn't have any springs underneath it) so…ouch? Anyway. I'm really happy. We got so much applause and congratulations, and it was just…amazing. ♥
twenty-four hours and counting
Or a good bit less than that, but…whatever.
The 24+ hours countdown is on. I am sooooooo sleepy, though…already. It doesn't bode well for tonight. If I start speaking gibberish, forgive me.
akljfdk fjfi fififi hohooho tomatoes penguins fork spoke spork. ;)
third and final, without further adieu
Adieu. Adeiu? I don't know. This…is going to get depressing.
I just sat here, still, for about ten minutes, completely zoned out. Oops.
My heart rate is up. As usual, lately. All things considered…I suppose it makes sense. I should go to bed really early tonight, I should. I have an EEG on Friday, so I have to stay up from 10AM Thursday until after the EEG. Over 24 hours, and I have a dance performance that night. I'm really kind of sort of hoping I don't pass out on stage. I don't think that would be very good of me to do.
I'm listening to the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack, over and over again. Watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, watching their minds get completely erased away. I once wrote an entry on that movie, some thoughts it inspired in me. (erase me…from your mind. would you?) At the time, I couldn't say whether or not I would erase anything.
I'm starting to think that I would. If I could forget all this shit going on in my life right now, and yet…remember the most basic things I keep forgetting…I would. I would give anything to have this behind me, never to be thought of again, and to be able to remember my age. What I did with such-and-such papers. If I could keep numbers and dates straight. If I didn't have to think twice about who I'm talking to on the phone, because tonight I forgot I was talking to my mother. I heard her voice. But she was, for a time, a stranger.
For the record, if I should ever be in a Permanent Vegetative State or something similar, please let me die. If I should flat-line, however, fight like hell to keep me alive. Please. </end morbidity>
I really want to cry. And I can't. I am so stressed out. I have so much going on. I have a presentation in Women's Health (10 minutes), a paper for Women's Health (5+ pages), and a final exam. I have a test I need to do in math (assuming I don't mix up the numbers again). I have papers I need to do for my Women, Leadership, and Social Change seminar. I need to do laundry, I need to clean, I need to shower, I need to cry, and I need to eat. I need. I need. I have to. I have to do this. I have to do that. It's too much for now. Let me know what's wrong with me, then let me handle this.
When you literally feel like you are losing your mind, you want to hold on to everything you've ever known, good and bad. You want the memories, you want the here and now, you want to know things. It's stressful, but it's real. And it's nice to remember what I have to do. Except I'm forgetting something, I know. I need to ask my classmates what I'm forgetting. There is always something else. Fuck!
I'm frustrated, depressed, and tired. I don't think this is going to get any better tonight. I just need to sleep. After I do my test and homework. Oh! And I need to take a shower. I should probably do some laundry. I don't know what's clean and what's dirty anymore. But I'll probably do laundry tomorrow night, when I need to find things to occupy me for over twenty-four hours…
