World of Make Believe

Note: A brief part of this was written late last night. Well, technically, this morning, after I posted the Creative section on my blog, and then got bored. The first two paragraphs are drafts I saved to WordPress last night, I think, and the rest can be counted as today’s entry, though I will probably write more later.

I feel a bit neglected lately. Nothing in particular…just people in my life in general. This isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, just a bit of almost everyone. Then again, it’s really early in the morning, and maybe I’m just feeling alone. I don’t know why I’m still awake. I have every intention on knocking back some sleeping pills if I don’t get tired soon.

I mean…on AIM, there’s definitely a “late-night” group I talk to every night. Typically a few guy friends and girl friends overseas, and some in the same timezone as myself that are just as nocturnal as I am. And I love them all. Suse, Amy (when she’s online), Billy, Nonny, Chad, Carol, and a one or two odd stragglers. I have over one hundred names on my buddy list solely of people that I talk to almost daily (or at least every other day), and I feel lonely. What is wrong with me?

I feel like I’m pulling away from everyone. And I’m not sure if it’s my fault, or…well, someone else’s. First and foremost, Chris. I’ve had several three to four minute conversations with him lately, and then that’s about it. I ask him to call me back, but he just got a new game that he’s really into (which is great, because I haven’t seen him so psyched about anything in a while, it seems), so that usually doesn’t happen lately. And I admittedly tend to get so wrapped up in things, I don’t call either. (Such as my five page paper to answer six questions that I turned in today! See, Carol, I told you I’d do it today. And get an A on it!) I just feel really alone, and I don’t know if I should or not. It’s like…I’m happy about everything over there, but sometimes it just feels like a dull happiness.

Next…my family. Though I was completely honest with my mother about my grades this midterm, and she does know all the health complications I’m going through recently, there’s a lot that my family just doesn’t know, and that they won’t know. Namely, my immediate family. I’m not telling them how much I’m struggling with my weight issues, things like that. I feel completely disconnected from my cousins, but particularly Ashley, who I’ve grown up raising hell with. She was my sister, and still is, in a way. But we’ve grown apart. Mostly because I’m in Atlanta. Then there are my biological sisters, and I can’t even begin to tell anyone what’s going on in their life right now. I know basics, but I don’t know, at the same time.

Then there’s Josh, who I used to date. Hell, who I used to think I’d marry. Frankly, we thought we’d be together forever, but that didn’t happen. His job got in the way, and my life pulled me in a different direction. He’s now living in California, and I think the last time I talked to him was weeks ago now. I still consider him one of the dearest friends I will ever have. We’ve grown apart, though. But I fear now that we’ve grown apart, and I can’t begin to describe the…just… immeasurable hurt and pain and just sorrow that I feel at this. The pain and the hurt I feel because I fear that he’s moved on, and that I won’t be included in his new life at all, even though I know him, and I know he loves me, and I know, simply put, how he is. This is the man that I didn’t speak to for three months at a time, but would always come back. Logically, I know he’ll call, and he’ll come visit, and we’ll go get Iced Grande Caramel Mochiattos at Starbucks with three shots of espresso in his, and five shots of espresso in mine. (I am an addict. This is how I live, and function.) When he first left, when we did go days without speaking, I knew he’d be back, but it still hurt. It was the kind of hurt of feeling like the love of your life was slipping away. Now, this kind of pain is both more intense and not as intense. Because now it’s become simply losing a best friend, someone who knew you inside and out. I haven’t had that much. So it’s not a sharp, intense pain of losing a love anymore, but a continuous ache of losing a best friend. I’m not entirely sure which is worse. (And this is rambling, so I’ll end this part here, but expect a more filled-out entry on this in the future, because I feel like I need to let it all off my chest.)

Am I pulling away from people? Is this a result of the health problems recently? Some of you know precisely how freaked out about everything I am, most don’t. I’m tired of feeling as though I whine all the time, tired of medications and diagnoses and doctors. God, I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday next week. Yes, every single day of the business week. Neurologists, mostly, consults and then the brain scans. Back to a general doctor to monitor my heart rate further. A new psychiatrist that will hopefully monitor my meds just a little bit more closely than the previous one.

At any rate. This is far too long-winded for me right now, though this blog in and of itself is quite the rambling one. I’m finally revealing it to more people, other than the test readers (Hah, Carol!) that also lost their diaries when Diary-X crashed. I posted in my livejournal that I made a new journal, though I didn’t link it. I’m afraid if too many people catch wind of this…I’ll start censoring myself, and I don’t want to. This is the first journal I’ve had that I have been totally honest and open in about what I write, and I don’t want to lose that, nor do I want to password protect anything.

So, this ends now, after writing the beginning yesterday (and then falling asleep after sleeping pills finally kicked in) and the end after the classes of today. But I may post another one a bit later. ♥